The Maze of Trusting Self
Being under the cloud of heavy unconscious grief for years I have become lost in trusting my own intuition. Currently, each day I am working on finding that faith from within me. All around me I am told trust my ownself! Be ME! Yet when I AM ME it appears to others I am not listening to my own self. Yet somehow I arrive at the same answer each time. Either I am not being me and failing over and over or I am gravely misunderstood because our language of words often can do injustice to the language of the heart. I am now in a more silent space and seeking a higher power to lead me. I am exhausted of my own efforts.
A friend recommended I go on a 10 day silent retreat. What a great idea and then I thought how can I just create my own silent retreat while also being able to be a single mother. Regardless of who maybe wrong or right, I have to live with my choices and actions of how I deal with any given situation. The only control and power I have is over me.
I hope all that read this reflect about how we interact with one another on a daily basis. Do we uplift a person or do we do the opposite? If they have a dream, do we fight against their dream or do we praise them? Do we project our own stories, experiences upon the other person? I am the first to admit that I have projected my stories, experiences upon others not realizing that there outcome could be very different, their soul's path could be very different. Their timeline could be different. The whole experience could be different. To my defense in my mind I thought I was protecting my loved one from pain that I endured. I felt I walked the path for the others to let them know a better way, but the truth I am uncovering is that we must walk our own path. Also our outcomes can be similar or different. We don't know, there are too many factors to truly know.
After the unexpected Death of my husband I lived in a place of unknowing, suspecting everything. I lit my path with a tea light. I sought answers all around but failed to be still and look within. The more answers I got from sources other than self the more my own intuition lay covered and unreachable. Doubt blanketed my own intuition. Often I tripped further into a darker place, becoming one with my Shadow side. The shadow side operates through fear and takes wild treacherous steps fighting to be seen but instead the opposite takes place. Becoming still and going within myself I had to see what was happening with my shadow self.
I sent my shadow self love, compassion and forgiveness for it was not conscious of its being. The shadow was walking hand in hand with pain, sadness, anger, denial, living in a past that no longer existed. As the emotions led my shadow, trusting myself was even harder.
When you cannot trust yourself, I feel you cannot also trust another. As much as I may want to trust the next person I just cannot trust because I feel first Trust must begin with Self.
I am now on a long slow walk back to trusting self but it is not easy. On the way there are whispers of Doubt trying to pull me back into my shadow self.
For if my Light shines too bright than the Shadow is forgotten and as everything in our world tries to sustain its self, so does our Shadow. It got some freedom and is trying to fight for its place. The shadows ammunition is opposite of Light. The shadow led by pain often inflicts pain.
As our flame grows brighter remembering our path, our purpose, our shadow is diminished. As we blaze forth like the Sun we are Power, we are Light, we Nourish all around us, we sustain our selves and now we light the Shadows of others around us.
As I begin to trust myself, I own up to my mistakes. I clearly see where I lacked choosing the voice/actions of love, self restraint and where I stumbled over and over. Repeatedly I am told to love myself. This is a piece I am realizing as I write this sentence is a piece I must reflect upon and then see what words come through.
I have been in the place before where I Trusted Me and no one else did I seek answers from because without a Doubt I knew my answer. Often unwarranted judgments arise when I share my story. I now have to really look within on how do I share without seeming to want an answer but just the longing to express.
I have walked in Trusting Me with my Shadow Side and not Trusting Me with my Shadow Side and I see the difference of what gets created in my environment. As I write this I am hearing there is a variable missing and I must meditate upon to find that answer.
Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog. Wishing you all love, light and peace!