Reassurance

What does a broken heart want when it suffers loss? My heart wanted reassurance. I was looking for that reassurance on the outside not understanding it was within me.

The more I looked outside for the reassurance, the more it ran away. The more distraught I became, anxiety increased. I was placing a huge burden on another to reassure me. I was clinging on hard because I did not want to feel the pain. I was blinded by my grief controlling my senses. I only wanted to feel love and no more heartache.

It was my love for another that got me to truly start the healing process. It made me venture to that space in my mind that I had avoided on 2/9/11 and 4/24/13 and the many numerous days to follow. In my mind I had thought I had dealt with the pain, but I did not understand the value of emotions and giving it space until very recently. It was a terrifying space to go to that memory that place in my mind. I thought if I go there I would not be able to come out of it. I thought if I go there the tears would be endless. Even as I write this piece that space is still there, it still has tears, it will forever be a body of tears within me.

It was the love that I found within me that began to heal me. That love was bursting to express! It wanted to shout out about Love!

I kept chasing Love as if I were chasing the wind, hoping it could wrap me up in its breeze and reassure me. Instead the wind just stirred up stronger, like a tornado. In that tornado was a peaceful place if I only I understood how to be still in the face of that storm.

I kept searching for answers all the time outside of me. I asked the same question over multiple times over! I was told to be still, meditate and the answers would come. My grief was still running its course. It reigned over my eyes, my ears, my voice.... I have meditated for years but I could not find that silent space because of the cloud of grief.

The song A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, I listened to it often dedicating it to my love and then one day as I was running I realized who else has loved me for a thousand years and will love me a thousand years more if not me! God has been with me and I have been with me. Its only me who can reassure me. Once I heard who has been there all along in my corner then I got it. I got that no one will be able to reassure me the way I can learn to reassure myself. I found so much strength that day.

In this world all is temporary, but our soul continues with us! Our soul knows our past, continues with us on our journey to our future.

I have now found tools and the strength to reassure myself.